OK- I really like this site- just found it around 5 am this morning- love it love it!
here goes my situation.  My daughter recently graduated HS and quickly moved in with her bf, his mother and stepdad- fine.  Although I didn't want her moving out so quickly, I understood her need for her independence.  I told her she's always welcome to come back home, and she does come by a few nights a week and spends time with us- great. 
 
She called me up a few weeks ago and spilled her guts about the situation she's in that I was unaware of- her bf's mother is bi-polar, has ADD, and takes her adderal too much and she stays up all day and night, days at a time- she leaves the house around midnight and doesn't return until 5 am after going "dumpster diving".  She and her husband fight daily.  My daughter is the only one working in that house, her bf has excuse after excuse as to why he can't work (stomach problems, foot problems, knee problems, back problems) he's 19 btw- and hasn't held a job past 5 days since he's graduated HS last year. 
 
The mother follows my daughter around the house, calls her a flake, and the fighting keeps my daughter up all night- and she has to work.
 
When my daughter was in tears telling me this story, I immediately told her to come back home, and if she wanted to date him- I worry about her, I worry about the mother or what she's capable of, (the mother cooked for them once and it landed them all in the hospital for food poisoning).. doubt it was an accident.  The mother takes her husband's anti-seizure medication, even though she doesn't have seizures.. she's messed up!
 
My daughter declined moving back home, she wants to be with her bf- and I don't have room for him- plus I don't want an umemployed bum hanging around my house all day.  She then called a couple nights later, another "incident" occured and this time the cops were called, apparantely the mom was waving around a knife ... she had a court date, etc., my daughter says things haven't improved and the mother is messed up as ever.
 
Well- I feel torn.. I offered for my daughter to move back home, and when she was here the other day I was quite upset over the situation and told my daughter that her bf needs to get a job and get her out of that house if he really cares.. now she's mad at me-
 
Did I say the wrong thing? 


Comments

  • GrapeKoolaid said Sep 30, 2007...
    And I thought My family put the "fun" back in "disfunctional"....If anything, I think you should try to steer them into getting his mother committed.  I think that might be best for everyone involved, including her.  You will leave a light on for her in your heart, will you not?  She'll eventually understand. 
  • secretlife said Sep 30, 2007...
    you said the right thing. and you have to keep saying it.  no matter if it hurts her. believe me, eventually she will see the situation clearly. just make sure she knows that your door is open to HER when that day comes.    
  • uniquely-ironic said Oct 1, 2007...
    You're in such a bad position.  You want to protect your daughter, but until she's ready to recognize that her situation is not "win-able" I doubt she will come home.  Trying to suggest that the mother be committed (which is only a temporary solution since they will release her once her meds kick in) probably mad her mad because she feels like she needs to defend her boyfriend's family.   I think all you can (unfortunately) do is be there for her and pray for her safety.  Mothering is the toughest job on earth.
  • confuzzledwife said Oct 1, 2007...
    uniquely-ironic, - I just wanted to say that it was my daughter's boyfriend who made the suggestion that his mother be committed or put in rehab- I wouldn't say such a thing about anyone..  my daughter got mad because I told her if her boyfriend really cared about her and her safety, he would get a job like she has and they could get a place of their own- sadly, I don't see her taking my advice anytime soon :(
  • confuzzledwife said Oct 1, 2007...
    thank you both for the advice-   I started feeling guilty not inviting her bf to live here- but honestly there is no room- I have 4 younger children and as it was, she was sharing a bedroom with her other sister.    The bf stated twice that his mother needs to be committed or in rehab, but nothing is being done about it and the husband just lives with it- going on 11 years now.   I remember my own mother criticizing my choice of boyfriends and it really hurt- although they were always employed, she would find fault somewhere- this was with everyone in the family, not just me- and I remembered how it drove me away.  I didn't want to do that to my daughter.   I know what first loves are like- she's been with him for about 7 months and is SO in love that I think she's being blinded by it.  She used to have so much ambition, she had 2 jobs when she graduated, her plan was to go to college and she did- then quit because he keeps buying new video games and she's really into that now, calling in work sick when she's not- it's just so not her..  and it kills me.    Anyway, thanks again for the advice- I can only hope she comes to her senses fast!
  • sweet_cookie01 said Oct 1, 2007...
    i would have said the same thing if she was my daughter!   your daughter needs to see that that place is not safe for her and if she wants to live with her bf then they should move to another place.   i think she deserves better than that kind of man!   i know this situation can cause a problem between the two of you but a mother has the right to protect her daughter and sooner or later your daughter will appreciate what you are doing to her... sometimes tough love is needed.
  • Expendable said Oct 1, 2007...
    She knows the situation, but feels guilty about leaving. Hopefully she won't stay there too long.
  • gingersoul said Oct 1, 2007...
    Oh geez....that is not a family, its a zoo! And you did right...you dont need one of that family element coming in your house to live with you.......you know his mother could be capable of following him to your home too and imagine what can happen. You have your other kids to protect from that insanity. Your daughter will have to understand by herself in what mess she ended up.. But you keep telling her you love her, you want her out of that mess, you want her to have a nice relationship with a nice boyfriend and she must have a higher self esteem and understand she doesn't deserve that crap.  Hope everything will work out fine for you guys. .  
  • namyogrl said Oct 1, 2007...
    You have said and done what's best for your daughter, I have been going through some tough times with my older daughter's lately and  I pray that one day they will appreciate all the advise  that I have given over the years.  TIme will tell and I will still worry over a lot of their choices, but they have to learn at their own pace. Your daughter will see in time what's best for her. Just be supportive. I will keep you in my prayers.
  • uniquely-ironic said Oct 1, 2007...
    Yeesh!  I see.  It's so hard to stand on the side lines and see that happen.  It really would be good if the boyfriend could pick up work and that they could have their own space.  At least this way if the relationship is going to work it will stand a chance of doing so.  Is there any "non-relative" that your daughter talks to?  Maybe coming from someone other than mom the same advice might take.
  • confuzzledwife said Oct 1, 2007...
    uniquely-ironic, hmm- well, I have plenty of relatives but I don't see them stepping in and saying anything to her.  I did find out though that her bf's father offered to let them stay there, rent free until they get back on their feet, bf gets a job, etc., So far they haven't taken dad up on that offer- From my point of view what I see is mom who doesn't want her only child leaving the house and she provides him with everything and anything he desires for free- he's going on 20.  She won't "make" him work and I believe his father will, and I think that's why they haven't moved.  My daughter has told me she wants to get out of there, but won't leave without her bf... he knows this but hasn't made a move yet- I guess I can only pray for her and hope she makes the right choice.. or that he gets a job and they can get a place of their own..
  • GreenTaz said Oct 1, 2007...
    Makes me think that my gf's mom will want to take her back home considering my mom's dysfunctional attitude and me not being able to finish my college. I held a few jobs that I were good at back then but I resigned due to personal reasons most of which involves not having some room to grow and get promoted. :'(GreenTaz
  • botoni said Oct 1, 2007...
    Just keep on loving her. Keep on letting her cry on your shoulder, keep telling her in as non-judgemental way as possible that she needs to change her own situation and keep praying. You re doing your best!
  • confuzzledwife said Oct 1, 2007...
    angelface- I can only hope she will come to her senses soon!  I saw her today and she looked so depressed- I told her again she's welcome to come home anytime she wants- she knows.. she complained about her bf's mother following her around, she complained about not having enough money, she complained about not having privacy.. I told her she's so young and she shouldn't have all these burdens.. to enjoy her life while she's so young but you know how it is -    Botoni- I will always love her- I am trying to be non- judgemental... (as hard as that can be sometimes), I just pray for her-   Her once carefree, happy, outgoing,  nature is starting to fade and it worries me :(   I told her that tonight. 
  • Mamie said Oct 1, 2007...
    oh boy. I have a daughter just about the same age and I would be freaked out just by her moving in with a guy! I wonder if they have known each other long enough...blah, blah blah. Doesn't help to consider the what ifs if it is alreayd being lived out, right? I think you are saying the right things. I think you could also coax her back a little by asking her to come stay with you every once in a while. It will at least allow her a good nights sleep and some safety. I think once she does that a few times, she may "see" with her own eyes how different and unattractive the other situation is. Make it a little new tradition, like sunday night dinners with a sister or mother/daughter sleepover...or something like that. Also, she should have her bf say to say to his mom...take your meds! All those things are treatable and many, many people are leading their lives with families and jobs. It is a big red flag that BF cannot keep a job...I am worried rught along with you! good luck! Mamie
  • confuzzledwife said Oct 2, 2007...
    Mamie- let me say that first she's known him as a friend for about 2 years.. she started dating this guy 9 months ago and the month she was graduating she called me up one night and said she'd be sleeping over there- what could I do?  Here she was 18 years old- legally an adult, and not dependant on me anymore for anything.. Since June when she moved in with him I have been offering her everything I can to come back home.. I tried the mother/daughter thing, her and I went for lunch and to the mall a couple of Sundays ago- and on the way back I asked her if she'd like to sleep at home- she declined- and other times I've told her to stop by here on her way from work for dinner- she did but brought the bf along-  I totally agree the bf not keeping a job is a HUGE red flag, and I told her this too... When I mentioned that should be a big deal, she said "mom, it seems that's all you've ever cared about is a guy working!!" I told her it's not THE most important thing, but it should be something he's doing... She said "what would you do"  I told her I would tell him that I'm moving back home, and that if he wanted to be with her, that he'd get a job (and keep it) and start saving his own money for them to get their own apartment...  I am sick over this, and at the same time- it's like I can't do anything about it.. she's going to be 19 next month, and he's almost 20 now- his mother and stepdad allow them to live there rent free and allow him to do nothing but play video games and everything.. it completely sickens me- I feel helpless and I can already see her future going down the drain.. it's so sad..  thanks for the kind words :)
  • Mamie said Oct 2, 2007...
    hey Con: I don't think it is completely hopeless, ya know? She is on a tangent and it is a good look at her independant streak which is alove and well! At this point she is not married or with child yet so there may be no strings attached long term.   I am glad that you have tried the mother/daughter things. I think they have a ton of value that you may not see just yet. But believe me, they are working their magic. Ya know how things happen for us to learn life lessons? Maybe focus in on praying that whatever the lesson is...that she pick it up quickly! And get her onto another path with a nother life lesson!   That way she will be on her way to her own apartment, or maybe a place with a girlfriend or two. OR who knows? Maybe BF will see the light and get a job and they will settle into a nice little apartment somewhere.   I will keep praying for our teens, They have so much to deal with these days...in the meantime, if your daughter is working and not having to pay rent, then maybe she will be smart and have her own nest egg! Good luck!! Mamie
  • lfbno7 said Oct 7, 2007...
    Your daughter's bf is awful.  He'll ruin her life.  His family is nuts.  She stepped into dog shit and her foot got stuck.  More like quicksand.  You don't need any more evidence, you've had enough.  All I can suggest is to keep trying to get her to see the light, that her bf is a pile of shit and his family is nuts.  Maybe one day in the future the two of them will have an upsetting argument and she'll remember what you said, and leave.  Just let her know she's always welcome home when she regains her sanity, and her useless bf is not welcome to move in, ever.

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